Kummerspecken Fox Strikes Again

 

**This was originally posted in December of 2021, but disappeared for some reason. I am reposting it now.  

 

Kummerspecken … often in English I find there is not a word sufficient to cover what we are trying to say. German has many interesting words … for example they have a word for that moment when you get off work, and the relief you feel knowing it's the weekend. Kummerspeck is along those lines. It literally translates to grief bacon. What an odd mix, but oh so appropriate at times. Now, the Germans will use it to refer to the weight you might gain while grieving. Yet, I find another meaning in kummerspeck.

Kummer is an extreme grief. It is the grief that tears your soul apart a thousand times over in a vicious cycle. It is in my opinion, a bit beyond the English word grief. When my father passed it was as if I were being keelhauled in a tropical storm. I could occasionally, reach the eye of the storm, and feel a moments peace, but then it was back to riding the storm. But even in that, there were moments of … and odd event. My sister and I would be talking, and we would be crying, but then we would remember a funny story, and while crying painful tears that rip your heart, we were laughing. I have studied psychology, read many books, and perhaps it is the fog of grief, but cannot recall ever hearing of this.

I began to search for a word. Surely, someone else had experienced this right? My sister and I can’t be the only ones out of billions of people to be able to cry in grief while laughing. There had to be a single word I could use to explain it. I could not find it. I was led to websites offering grief counseling, and antidotes as well as things to say to the bereaved … not useful right then … Then I remembered a video I watched on German Girl in America channel on YouTube. She had went over a list of words that included a single word for the relief felt when it is the weekend … don’t ask me what the word is. At this point I only know it exists.

I began my search. While I did not find exactly what I was looking for, I did find kummerspeck. Bacon. Bacon while fatty brings comfort. Kummer … grief … kummerspeck … grief comfort. Being able to feel two things at once. While this is not how the Germans use the word, that is the meaning I am taking from it. There can be comfort, even in moments of grief. We must lean on the Lord, and lean like we have never leaned before, when things are at their worst.

As to the fox … ah the fox. I love foxes … perhaps a bit obsessed. I have fox shirts, slippers, plushies and blankets. On a really bad day years ago, feeling overwhelmed, I put on my fox shirt and grumpily went out among the public. A friend was picking me up for a ladies Bible study, but I had not had time to eat. On the way she stopped at a coffee shop. We went through the drive-thru. I ordered a coffee, some sort of food, and then thought of the cake pops. I asked for one, and the drive-thru lady asked what kind. I was not in a position to make decisions. I was pretty overwhelmed with life. So, I brightened my voice and said, “Surprise me.” I honestly just wanted the distraction of sugar … maybe not a good choice, but it is what it is.

We get to the window, and on the treat bag she had drawn a little fox. And in the bag was a fox cake pop. I do not know why that made me as happy as it did, but for the first time in days, I had a genuine smile. I told her she had no idea how happy this made me, and showed her my shirt as best as you can sitting in a car. She had not seen the shirt on the camera, but felt like the fox cake pop was best … so who saw me? The Lord watches us always. Little things, like an ordinary fox pop, while not the answer to the universe, are often signs from Him that he cares for his sparrows and lilies.

Years past by, and I had not once seen another fox cake pop. Yes, I know where to get them, but they were usually out when I went … I hardly ever go to coffee shops. Usually, I save the treat for days when I need a small boost. When my father died my world shook. There were times, I could not breathe without ordering myself to take slow breaths.

Days after his passing, we had a hectic day involving having a single vehicle that had an oil change appointment, and a trip to the grocery store that had to be done right then, as we had not done any shopping … I should mention here that my father-in-law had passed less than two weeks before my dad. So, we were barely starting to return to normal from that. Here we were scrambling to hold on to … something.

I needed a cup of coffee. The largest white mocha I could find. I went with my husband while he took care of picking up a few things to tide us over until we could do a full trip … As we entered the coffee shop, I was trying to control my face. I didn’t want those questions from strangers … the “Are you okay?” I was honestly afraid I would break down in the store. I thought to myself, or maybe it was a prayer? “Lord, I could really use a fox cake pop right now.” Then my cynical brain took over… “And you KNOW that is not happening.” I meekly accepted my brain’s logic.

When I got to the display counter in the coffee shop, I noticed not only was there not a fox cake pop, but there was not even a single plain cake pop. I held back a sigh, and double checked that my brave face was in place as I approved the counter. I ordered my white mocha, and a cinnamon crumb cake. Just as I was about to pay out of the corner of my eye to the right, I noticed a basket of cake pops. I noticed cute little reindeers. I reached for one to give to my daughter. As I moved it, there was that kummerspecken fox. God in that moment reached out, and squeezed my hand. He holds us always. I felt in that moment a bit of calming peace, and was able to have a genuine smile. In that moment, there was no kummer, only speckenfox and God’s amazing Grace.